i don’t fit.

Jesus is doing a work of transformation inside of me. He is revealing the deep insecurities that I’ve tried to keep buried, and showing me just how broken I am.

I am constantly putting up this “i have it all together” front. Well, let the truth be known. I don’t. I am broken.

Throughout my entire life I have always been told that as long as I did my best, it was enough. But the problem is, I don’t have a best. When I decide to do something, I throw myself at it. I give it everything I have. I sweat, and bleed, and fight, and push against resistance. And when it’s over, when I meet failure…I play the whole thing over in my head. Piece by piece, slide by slide, every scenario. What could I have done different? Where could I have given more? What didn’t I do that kept me from succeeding?

Internally, I begin shredding myself up– pushing insults inward, beating and chastising myself to no end. Then, I resolve to do better; to be better– to start fresh. And the cycle starts all over again, pushing myself into exhaustion.

So now that I’ve discovered the problem…what’s at its root? why do i do this to myself?

That part is simple. Insecurity.

I’ve swallowed this lie– hook, line, and sinker– that if I just do this or that thing then I will be successful, then I will have value, then I will be enough. But it’s all just a big lie.

I cannot continue to live this way.